Matt's Secrets to His Good Looks
by TheMipstaz
Summary: Matt's tired of hearing Mello rant about how a gamer like him has an amazing body without doing any work whatsoever. This'll show him… Rated T for language


**Just because I've read a lot of fics in which Mello wonders why Matt's body is so randomly perfect.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Nope. **

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Hey there. It's Matt and this is my guide to having–and I quote–"perfect hair, damn amazing skin, and a fucking perfect body." And yes, I am a guy; and yes, the person I was quoting was Mello. Seriously, the only reason I'm bothering with this stupid thing–what the hell do you call this? An advice column?–is because Mello just gave me a freaking ten-minute long rant about how unfair it is that he works his butt off to get his good looks and I do nothing to get mine.

Also, since Mello is now angrily reprimanding me for dismissing his work outs so easily, I must now explain to you that his work outs are "intensely grueling periods of extreme muscle building and masculinity enhancing that 99% of the idiots out there couldn't even imagine." Yup…Isn't he charming?

_Anyways_, after banishing my lovely boyfriend from our bedroom, I can now continue without being interrupted every other word I write.

**My body:**

I guess first thing's first, the most ranted about thing I've ever heard Mels yelling about: my body. Yeah, so maybe I do have slender hips, pretty nice legs, and–I will admit–a fucking four pack. Most of that is just naturally how my body is built, but I did have to put in some work. After all, a couple push ups and sit ups every now and then never hurt, and it's not like Sora is gonna be distracted by me working out shirtless in front of him during the story plot scenes…_well_, I suppose that's debatable.

So yeah, I, Matt [Insert my last name, which I'll never tell you, here], actually used muscles in my body other than the ones in my hand. I know, shocking right? Heh, Mello's gonna flip once he reads this when I'm done.

Hmm, maybe I should rig up a video camera? Might be useful for some future blackmail, you never know. Or it might just get me a night sleeping on the couch–which really sucks, I can assure you from experience. My puppy eyes might not even be able to save me. Yep, definitely not worth the risk.

And yeah, smoking's sure a bitch when you're trying to get/stay in shape, but it's not like quitting is an option so…

**My hair:**

Next is my hair: something Mello has sworn is like touching the clouds themselves. Actually he hasn't, but that's the vibe I get from him every time he combs his fingers through it, which is often…Fuck, I just remembered Mello's gonna be reading this later. Damn it.

Whatever, the point is my hair has always been really soft, even back when me and Mello were at Wammy's together–just ask Mello. And my secret? Conditioner. Lots and lots of conditioner, and not the cheap kind either!

Why do you think I always asked, or begged, Mello and Roger to buy me my games and consoles? I was constantly broke 'cause conditioner is fucking expensive! If it wasn't for how easy it was to steal chocolate from Wammy's kitchen for free, I have no idea how Mello would've managed. A chocolate-less Mello is a murderous one.

And I hid it in the one place Mello would never look: the 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner bottle. Mels _hates_ that stuff, claims that "it's an incompetent shampoo as well as a crappy conditioner, so what's the fucking point of it?" His words, not mine; but I'm not gonna say I'm in love with the stuff either.

**Skin:**

Now, another thing Mello enjoys vociferating is my skin (ah, I love using my high IQ to use retarded sounding words like that; I mean seriously, what person is gonna walk around using the word "vociferating" on a daily basis?). He's always complaining about how he goes through a bottle of lotion a week while I do nothing and still have skin as flawless as his. But honestly, just because he's never _seen_ me use stuff on my skin doesn't mean I don't, now does it? Exactly.

Truth is, I've probably spent just as much money on lotion and conditioner as I have on video games…Pfft, who the hell am I kidding? There's no fucking way that's true, but doesn't the fact that I even considered saying that tell you just how much I have spent on that crap? Yeah…Making an effort to look good sucks.

And voila! The secrets behind my good looks have been revealed. I hope you're pleased now, Mello, you prat. I just wasted a half hour of my life to explain to him that I actually do work for my looks. Freaking insecure bastard…Too bad I love him so much, even if he does tend to rant a lot. Well, time to unlock the door and let him back in to read this. Wish me luck.

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**So what did you think of my take on why Matt always has a perfect body? Reviews please? **

**Also, if you have any other random observations that you think Matt should explain, you can say it in your review (or PM me) and I'll write another chapter about it if you like :) **


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